Diary of Empty Pages

I don't really believe in Friday the 13th bringing bad luck or any superstitions in general. I didn't even know it was the 13th today until my husband just told me 1 minute ago. But I will say that today was an awful day.

My Google account was blocked yesterday and the issue was supposed to be resolved by this morning but it still isn't. So my blog is gone and I don't have a G+ anymore. Who knows when it will finally be resolved.

Then I had a fight with my friend, which isn't too surprising. I had just given the friendship another shot, which I have done countless times. It always ends the same way, although this was the worst time. He and his friend were annoying me so I said I would just talk to them later and I got offline. He texted me soon after, wanting to resolve it, and I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore. I told him I wasn't enjoying the friendship and I just didn't want to try to make it work anymore. I've been trying to make it work for literally years and we always fight. So he basically insulted me for the next half an hour or so in every which way he possibly could. He said I was unbalanced, immature, and I can't even remember all the things he called me. He even went so far as to tell me I had a loveless marriage and a broken family. I never said anything mean back. He ended his rant with cussing me out and calling me names and then left. So, that was great.

So then my OTHER friend texts me and says he's through with our friendship. I don't know what the heck is up with him. I really have no idea what's going through his mind because his 3-text long friendship-breakup made absolutely no sense. But then again, he does drugs, so what can you expect.

Then my grandma calls me and starts ranting about how I haven't called her lately and I was so stressed, I couldn't take it. After 15 minutes of her being angry with me, I couldn't handle it anymore and I hung up. She called me 20 times after that but I couldn't bring myself to answer.

Aaand I just had to clean out my dog's crate. He was diagnosed with tapeworms today so I gave him his medicine and he threw it up, along with his dinner and a bunch of stomach acid. So it took me a while to clean his create because it was all over the blanket, which is chewed up into this horrible mess, and then underneath it turns out he chewed up the bottom of the crate which is a plastic sheet/tray. I filled 3 trash bags before I was done. My allergies are going crazy now.

So yeah, I'm in a pretty bad mood. It's 18 minutes past midnight here so I'm hoping that means whatever bad luck today brought me is gone now. On the bright side, 2 friends who cause me stress are out of my life, and I'm sure my grandma will forgive me if I apologize and tell her what a bad day I had. And I did get a reminder that 2 of my other friends and my husband are always there for me to try and cheer me up when I'm down.

Wow, the song I got the title for this journal from just came on my iTunes playlist as soon as I opened this page. So weird!!

So, life is going well. I don't know when I last posted so here's a quick update of everything.

I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, am finally recovered. Second miscarriage this year, I'm not too happy about that. We're still deciding whether we want to try again. I want another baby, I really want Kaylee to have a sibling... But just don't know if I want to risk going through the miscarriage thing again.

Hanukkah with my family was fun, Christmas with Steven's family was also. It was great to have family time. Kaylee got sooo many presents. Then we had a fun New Year's with my family. Kaylee even stayed up until midnight with us!

I've been working on my book a lot. Focusing on enjoying life. Haven't been getting depressed too much, though I get manic sometimes and stay up all night. Still working on that.

Like I said, we're still deciding whether or not and when we want to try again for another baby. I'm not sure about anything right now. Still trying to decide when I will be going back to college and when we will get the business up and going.

I got back into exercising today. Took Aries for a hike. I'm planning on walking him or doing a Jillian Michaels most days now. It feels nice to be active again. Being stuck in the house all the time really fuels my depression.

Other than that... I dunno. But here are some of my favorite recent pictures. =)


She was a spotted kitty for Halloween. =^_^=


My kids. <3


Kaylee and me, on a plaid kinda day lol.


Pig tails!!


My mom lighting the menorah on Hanukkah. (And my grandma standing next to her.)


Kaylee helping light the menorah for the very first time!


My little cousin, step-dad, grandma, and cousin. Gotta love my family!


Kaylee was crying because she accidentally locked herself in the family room, so we gave her a present to cheer her up.


She sees her present and immediately stops crying! Hahah.


She dubs her new dolly "Baby Shush" hahah.


Kaylee, Mommom (my mother-in-law), and Steven at a Christmas party with my in laws.


A matchy-matchy Christmas couple picture. =P


The Christmas party was sort of at her nap time.


Uncle Harry (my brother) over for a visit. =)


Kaylee Baylee and her Geegee (my grandma).


Poor Aries, recovering from being neutered!


Priscilla, having a rare lazy moment. Aww!


Like father, like daughter!


I love my little family!!


My doggies, up on the couch where they're not supposed to be!

I am a male.
I am a female.
I am shorter than 5’4.
I think I’m ugly. (When depressed.)
I have many scars.
I tan easily.
I wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I want a tattoo.
I am self-conscious about my body. (Again, when depressed.)
I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
I have more than 2 piercings.
I have a piercing in a place other than my ears.
I have freckles.
I’ve sworn with my parents.
I’ve run away from home.
I’ve been kicked out of the house.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want to have kids someday. (I already have kids hahah. What, are parents not supposed to do random surveys or something? Nonsense!)
I’m in school.
I’ve lost a child.
I have a job.
I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
I almost always do/did my homework.
I’ve missed a week or more of school. (I skipped half of middle school lol.)
I failed more than 1 class last year.
I’ve stolen something from my job.
I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry.
I’ve peed from laughing.
I’ve snorted while laughing.
I’ve cried from laughing so hard.
I’ve glued my hand to something.
I’ve had my pants rip in public. (Not rip but fall down in public...)
I was born with a disease/impairment. (Well actually, I'd say they developed later.)
I’ve broken a bone.
I’ve gotten stiches/staples.
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
I had a serious surgery.
I’ve had chicken pox.
I’ve had measles.
I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day. (Does it count if I was a passenger?)
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve been to Canada. (I've been to the border.)
I’ve been to Mexico.
I’ve been to Niagra Falls.
I’ve been to Japan.
I’ve celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
I’ve been to Europe.
I’ve been to Africa.
I’ve been to Hawaii.
I’ve gotten lost in my city.
I’ve seen a shooting star.
I’ve wished on a shooting star.
I’ve seen a meteor shower.
I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
I’ve been to a casino.
I’ve been skydiving. (Just bungee jumping so far.)
I’ve gone skinny dipping.
I’ve played spin the bottle.
I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
I’ve crashed a car.
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a play.
I’ve met someone in person from Facebook.
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I’ve seen the Northern lights.
I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
I’ve played chicken.
I’ve played a prank on someone.
I’ve ridden in a taxi.
I’ve seen Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I’ve eaten sushi.
I’ve been snowboarding.
I’m single.
I’m in a relationship.
It’s complicated.
I’m engaged.
I’m married.
I’ve gone on a blind date.
I’ve been the dumped more than the dumper.
I miss someone right now.
I have a fear of abandonment.
I’ve gotten divorced.
I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
I’ve been kissed in the rain.
I’ve hugged a stranger.
I have kissed a stranger.
I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I’ve snuck out of my house. (I just left. =P)
I have lied to my parents about where I am.
I am keeping a secret from the world. (Well there are things I don't share with the world but not particularly hiding them...)
I’ve cheated while playing a game. (Probably when I was a little kid but I can't remember.)
I’ve cheated on a test.
I’ve run a red light.
I’ve been suspended from school.
I’ve witnessed a crime.
I’ve been in a fist fight.
I’ve been arrested. (Never with hand cuffs, so I'm gonna assume it doesn't count. xD)
I’ve passed out from drinking.
I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
I’ve smoked.
I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.
I’ve eaten mushrooms.
I’ve popped E.
I’ve inhaled Nitrous.
I’ve done hard drugs.
I have cough drops when I’m not sick.
I have 3 pills at a time no problem. (Yeah but they are vitamins. =P)
I have been diagnosed with depression.
I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
I’ve taken an anti-depressant.
I have been anorexic or bulimic.
I’ve slept an entire day without needing to go pee.
I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
I’ve woken up crying.
I’m afraid of dying.
I hate funerals.
I’ve seen someone dying.
Someone close to me has committed suicide.
I’ve planned my own suicide.
I’ve attempted suicide. (Neither of these were at all recently so no one freak out. Not that anyone reads this thing but yeah just in case lol.)
I’ve written a eulogy for myself.
I own over 5 rap CDs.
I own an IPod or an MP3 player.
I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
I own something from Hot Topic.
I own something from Pac Sun.
I collect comic books. (One of the only things I don't collect. =P)

I love Autumn. The smells, seeing the leaves change, wearing sweaters and jeans, playing outside in the brisk air... It's a beautiful time of year.

This Autumn, I found out I was pregnant. After months of trying, wishing, praying... I can't tell you how happy I was to see that positive test. Every time I think of it growing inside my belly, safe and protected, I feel so lucky and blessed. I'm so thankful for every day of morning sickness. So thankful for every day that passes and I see no blood, the fear of losing this one disappears a little bit more.

Then Steven and I had our third wedding anniversary yesterday. I'm amazed that we've been married 3 years and together for 4 and a half! I'm amazed that every time I look at him, I feel any negative feelings I may be harboring slip away. His voice makes me feel calm. His laugh makes me feel happy. Just chatting or watching tv with him and I feel how much I am in love with him. 3 years of marriage has only made me love him more. I can't believe I was lucky enough to meet him.

Thanksgiving is coming up. I love Thanksgiving. My aunts are coming in from Tennessee, I can't wait to see them. And I can't wait to eat all of that yummy food, especially my mom's homemade gravy! I eat that stuff every single year, even the years I was a vegetarian.

After that, it will be my birthday. Presents, cake, everyone treating me special. What's not to like? I'll be 24 which isn't that exciting but hey it's another year I've been here, endured, learned, grew, and matured. I will never not feel like celebrating that!

Mom and I hope to have the business up and going by the New Year. Her mouth is healing nicely from the dental surgery and she's back up and on her feet. We're about to start ordering the supplies and clothes. I'm pretty excited, I have a lot of ideas and can't wait to see how they work out.

Despite all the good things going on, I've been having a bad couple of days, bi-polar wise. I'm waiting for the upswing and just fighting the depression with all I have. I am not letting it get to the point of severe depression this Fall and Winter. The cold months usually get me down and this year, I swear, I'm just NOT going to let it. I am blessed with so much and I just don't accept that an invisible disease is going to stop me from enjoying it all.

Dropped Kaylee off at school this morning... It went well. She was crying but insisted that she did in fact want to stay. She was sort of giving herself a pep talk to stop crying and telling herself that she was going to have fun with her friends. The sobbing died down to a sniffle/whine, and she said goodbye to me and told me to have a nice day, so I left. The leaving never gets any easier for me, no matter the circumstances. >_<

So then we were off to get my ultrasound. I have been disappointed for 3 mornings in a row because I had been waiting since Thursday to go to the doctor and confirm my pregnancy. Steven was gone for work until Saturday and then I had to wait out the weekend because nowhere is open on the weekend, of course. I called on Monday morning, first thing, but I wasn't able to get an appointment that day, which really isn't surprising but I was still disappointed. Then I went in Tuesday morning and after much waiting, form filling out, water drinking, and FINALLY peeing, they told me that all they'd be doing today was labs. I had to "call this number" for an ultrasound. I was so mad, but I was happy that I got in the next day. So anyway, we went today, and they COULD NOT FIND ANYTHING! After a lot of reassuring that everything was almost positively okay, they decided that meant I was 5 weeks along, according to my urine test and the fact that they couldn't see it yet on the ultrasound. They gave me the approximate due date of July 1. So I'm pretty excited, I'm having dreams of a summer baby already. But I am still worried, and until they tell me it's definitely in there and growing well, I think I will remain uneasy. I am going to have a blood test tomorrow and check my hormone levels, so hopefully that will make me feel better. You know, after I pass out and throw up because of my needle phobia.

Other than that, life is still stupid. We are STILL waiting to hear if Steven can be transferred closer to home. We are extremely broke this week. I can't wait to get money to go food shopping this Saturday. I am going to buy so many fresh foods and just eat them raw. I have been eating canned and boxed food all week! There's drama with the in laws and some other crap going on that I won't bother to get into. Oh well, nothing so bad we can't keep our sense of humor. Steven just left for work after we picked Kay up from school and he won't be back until Saturday afternoon. I'll probably be missing him and really miserable due to lack of good food and transportation during that time. Soo yeah, there may be a grouchy rant post sometime soon.

Facebook... Why does it have to be so evil?

I love Facebook. I can share pictures of my daughter with my aunts that live in Tennessee and my friend that lives in California and all the other people in my life, all at once. I can keep track of how my friends and family are doing, at midnight, if that's the first free moment I have had all day. Yes, there are many benefits to Facebook, but then there is the evil lurking behind that nice exterior.

The DRAMA.

Okay, so now that Facebook is so big, basically everyone you know can see everything you post. And then anyone who comments, it can be seen by everyone else you know. And all of your comments on other peoples' posts can be seen by everyone THEY know. And on top of all that, Facebook now has all these neat little features to increase the chance that everyone will see everything you say, ANYWHERE.

For example, the other day, I commented on my husband's brother's girlfriend's (for simplicity's sake, I refer to her as my sister-in-law) status. She said that she missed her boyfriend / my brother-in-law while he was at work. I said, I feel the same way. Meaning, I miss my husband while he's at work. They both work far away from us. So, my mother-in-law misunderstands and comments that she doesn't appreciate me participating in this drama. I reply that I commented that on Thursday, before there was any drama, and I didn't say anything dramatic. I miss my husband while he's at work, that is no secret, and I don't see why I shouldn't say it.

So yesterday, I had to delete a whole conversation off of my wall where my husband tells me his phone is dead so if I have called, that's why he couldn't answer. My sister-in-law has told him I was trying to reach him, yes, and I was mad, etc. etc. I won't go into the whole, long story. Anyway, my husband's aunt posts that this stuff should be kept to private messages. And there were a few more comments, but they were deleted immediately, because I had no desire to read them.

My feelings are hurt. I want to cry. I don't want this drama on my page. And I feel like my mother-in-law and aunt-in-law, I guess you would call her, are now mad at me. I am the person who has always tried my hardest to create a good relationship with my in laws since we first met. And here, I am just trying to remain friends with my sister-in-law AND the rest of my in laws, but apparently I can't do that. Apparently I must choose. All because of some stupid Facebook drama!

I don't start this drama. I have never said anything malicious against anyone on Facebook. I know my comments are free for all to see, and I haven't posted anything that I thought would bother anyone. But no matter what I do, I am sucked into this drama. I am the least dramatic person in the world. The very thought of any sort of confrontation or people not liking me makes me super upset. My heart races, I get depressed, I want to hide away forever. I seriously consider moving far, far away so where no one knows us. I've made staying close to my family and my husband's family a priority because I want Kaylee to grow up knowing her family, and I know everyone wants to see her grow up. But at this point, it's getting old. I don't want to delete my Facebook, because I will not be able to keep in touch with my friends and family as well.

I'm just very disappointed right now. I just found out I am pregnant so I should be thrilled. But this stupid Facebook drama is ruining it for me. I thought I could keep my profile free of the evil that is drama, but I have failed.

My cousin just spoke on the Thom Hartmann show! I'm so proud of him. He is only 12 and an activist in the Occupy movement. Most kids his age don't know enough about politics to even have an opinion, let alone have the maturity and courage to speak out for what they believe in. I know I didn't at that age. And he will also be at the Enough is Enough rally. If I can get a babysitter, I may go with him. =)

In other news, I may be PREGNANT!!!! I'm going completely nuts, not knowing for sure. I did this pregnancy test 2 days ago, and got a weak positive line. I could BARELY see it. So I have been going crazy thinking about it, but really did not believe I was pregnant. After all, do you know how many negative pregnancy tests I've done in the past 4 and a half months? And I haven't had a period in 4 months. I was sort expecting for it to return before I became pregnant? So anyway, I bought a different brand, that actually spelled it out for me. Pregnant or Not Pregnant. So I took it and I saw a faint Not. What the HECKKKK. But it disappeared and now it says Pregnant. I've looked at it about 100 times today. I think this is really happening! I'm going to try to get into the doctor tomorrow. Just so they can tell me for sure, and maybe tell me how far along I am?! I can't believe I didn't write down the last time we had sex and the last time I tested. I had honestly given up temporarily. Ugh, I'm so excited, so hopeful, so worried... Gosh, I might throw up just because of all this nervousness, and I don't even have any morning sickness yet.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't fix things in your life. Then other times, it seems like just when you've quit trying, everything seems to just work itself out! These times remind me that determination goes hand-in-hand with faith. We should never give up but also realize than when we've done all we can, we just need to wait for a different toss of the die for everything to turn around! Every day is a brand new day. =)

Anyway, enough of that inspirational crap. ;) I have some EXCITING NEWS!! Things are looking up around here and part of the reason is... My mom and I have started her old business back up! It was named after me and due to the old fan base, I guess we can't change it. It makes me feel so weird to run a business named after myself, but I guess I can't rename it after my own daughter, anyway. It's called Camille's Cotton Clothes and if we renamed it, it would be called Kaylee's Kotton Klothes? Other than the fact that spelling things wrong on purpose goes against my OCD, that would be KKK for short, and uh, that's a no-no. Doubley so because we are Jewish, hahah.

So my health is better, my dental problems are mostly solved, I finally got a new phone... I still hate Steven being gone for work half the week, but we're working on fixing that too, and we're surviving it while we have to. We're getting into a sort of routine. Kaylee started school and goes Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday mornings. She's learning a lot and making friends, though she doesn't always love being dropped off! Anyway yeah, I can't imagine how I will handle the work of the business, especially if/when I started back to college in January, but I'm sure I'll work everything out. Maybe not how I plan or expect, but I'll just look at it as leaving a little mystery in life. =)

We went to my cousin, Bev's birthday party night before last. It was fun. I pet her dog, cats, ferret, and bearded dragon. =D Kaylee played with Gavin (Bev's son) the whole time and was so sad to leave him. He's so good with her. You don't usually meet 12 year old boys that are so good with toddlers.

Then yesterday we went to Zeke's (my brother in high school) baseball game. They won! =) When he came off the field and hugged Kaylee, a few girls on the bleachers squealed lol. Apparently nieces are great chick magnets. Then we all went home and Zeke and Grandma spent the night. A little later on, when everyone's awake, I'm sure we'll have some family time. =) It's not too rare but since most of the family lives about an hour away, it's not as common anymore.

There would probably be pictures, but Steven took the camera with him. He's staying at his mom's, since he had work there Friday and went to Oktoberfest yesterday. He's coming home today though, I can't wait!! I hope he had fun, relaxed, and feels recharged. I know he doesn't get many breaks and I'm so glad he hung out with some friends and hopefully had a great time. I haven't really talked to him since I haven't replaced the phone I left out in the rain yet. >=(

In other news, I've been thinking and I think I want to change my major. Majoring in Animal Behavior does not help me be a dog trainer, to put it simply. It's mostly science, biology and whatnot. I hate dissecting frogs and learning about neurons and stuff like that. I think the main thing I can do to work on being a dog trainer is to start getting more hands on experience. And as for my major, I'm considering photography or some sort of literature now... I'll have to think about it more.